Ok ok,

I’m looking for someone whom i can trust, someone strong. Someone at peace with themselves. Someone better than me. Someone who knows the worse side of me and still smile at me.

Someone amazing.

To give you an idea, someone like her:

Cheers.
ps: BMW’s Park Assist was inspired by this chick.

Ok ok,

When I was in the my early twilight years (No, i was not a vampire), that is 14-16 years of age, I had an older acquaintance who studied computer programming in NUS, but didn’t pursue it as a career because he believed it had no future. His reasoning was that software coders were the future secretaries of the world, someday doing little more than rearranging the code written by those who came before. He figured the pay for programmers would approach minimum wage in 15 years or so.

We’re still waiting for that to happen, but I think of his prediction whenever I see poly and uni students making career choices. There’s a lot of guessing involved. I think technical people, and engineers in particular, will always have good job prospects. But what if you don’t have the aptitude or personality to follow a technical path? How do you prepare for the future?

I’d like to see a UNISIM degree programme focusing on the various skills of human persuasion. That’s the sort of skillset that the marketplace will always value and the Internet is unlikely to replace. The persuasion coursework might include…

• Psychology of persuasion
• Human Interface design
• Lemon Law analysis
• How to organize information for influence
• Propaganda
• Ass Licking (Non Sexual of-course)
• Hypnosis
• Cults
• Public speaking
• Appearance (hair, makeup, clothes)
• Negotiations
• Managing difficult personalities
• Management theory
• Voice coaching
• Networking
• How to entertain
• Golf and tennis
• Conversation
• Weeping
• Managing upwards

The idea is to create people who can enter any room and make it their bitch. I think universities are unlikely to offer this sort of major because society is afraid and appalled by anything that can be labeled “manipulation,” which isn’t even a real thing.

Manipulation isn’t real because almost every human social or business activity has as its major or minor objective the influence of others. You can tell yourself that you dress the way you do because it makes you happy, but the real purpose of managing your appearance is to influence how others view you.

Humans actively sell themselves every minute they are interacting with anyone else. Selling yourself, which sounds almost noble, is little more than manipulating other people to do what is good for you but might not be so good for others. All I’m suggesting is that people could learn to be more effective at the things they are already trying to do all day long.

Cheers.
ps: The older acquaintance was wrong about how much a IT job pays nowadays.
ps2: He currently does miniature paintings on bottle-caps to sell at flea markets.

Ok ok,

I try my very best not to interact with Facebook, Twitter or any other social networking platform. Apart from the fact that I am a very anti-social element, my reasoning is simple. Why in the world would I want to share my private thoughts and feelings with the world at large?

What good could possibly come from me having a convenient outlet to express myself to millions of people? The more likely outcome is that in a misguided attempt to be funny or cute, I’d say something stupid and wind up getting publicly raked and roasted over the proverbial coals. Which is why I think the wiser path is to keep my opinions to myself.

For example, if I were to feel moral outrage over an organization riddled with pedophiles expressing their outrage over contraception, I certainly wouldn’t tweet about it or post it up as my Facebook status, and I certainly would text anyone about it. And the photographs I have taken of myself wearing a Chuck Norris hat and oven mitts will never be declassified to the public domain.

Cheers.
ps: My Chuck Norris hat is signed by Chuck Norris

Ok ok,

When i was young, I loved getting ice cream from the ice cream man. I’d stand in line in the back of the ice-cream van. I remember the menu of the different ice creams was right by the exhaust pipe.

The engine would be running sometimes. Parents would go berserk if they ever caught their kids smoking a cigarette, but they’d let their kids stand there and breathe exhaust fumes for 20 minutes.

If they did a study I think they’d find every time a kid gets a Yam ice-cream cup from an ice cream man it’s the equivalent of smoking two packs of Malboro Methols.

I was always amazed how the ice cream man could just reach his hand in that little door and pull out whatever you asked for. It was like a magic trick. I used to think there was a little person in there in a sub-zero suit just handing stuff to him.

As a kid, the only thing I really cared about was chocolate. Let’s forget the fact my skin colour goes hand in hand with my favourite food. Chocolates is the only reason you want to live when you’re a kid. Ages zero through ten, chocolates is your life, there’s nothing else. Family, friends, school . . . they’re only obstacles in the way of getting more chocolates. And you have your favorite chocolates that you love. I actually believed i could distinguish between 21 different versions of pure chocolate.

Only a seven-year-old kid can actually taste the difference. When I was a kid, I could taste the difference between different color M&Ms. I thought they were different. For example, I thought the red was heartier, more of a main course M&M. And the light brown was a mellower, kind of after-dinner M&M. And the yellow one .. that was the best ofcourse, the yellow one was an all rounder.

Cheers.
ps: M&M’s peanuts? Not so much.

Ok ok,

Disclaimer: This article is not intended for talking fishes, dead people, feminists or girly men. Anything that you say, can and will be used against you in the court of ridicule.

Well that’s it, I give up. I really don’t know what women are thinking. I can’t figure out any of them. Not the tough cookies or the cry babies or the sweet things that end up getting married to assholes. And the lesbians, lets not even get to the lesbians. Damn … the lesbians.

I’ve talked to them (the women that is). I’ve criticized them, I have asked them to criticize me, I’ve tried to kindle their manly side, I’ve tried to rekindle my feminine side, I’ve studied them. I’ve asked them to study me. I attended AWARE meetings, i got AWARE to meet me. I read women magazines, i got women to read men’s magazines. And I have to admit I am still at square one.

Not that I really object to square one. It is the only numbered shape in the game. At least you know your position. Nobody ever screws up and goes, “Well, back to oval three hundred and twenty seven.”

I believe most men are secretly happy that we can’t figure the granular points of gender dynamics. Except the girly men that is. It keeps our minds working. I think we have to be grateful for the one thing in our lives that keeps us from being totally focused on eating.

Eating is not a bad thing, its a good thing, as long as you don’t see your bathroom scale jump 2 markers up or people trying to cut you down, mistaking you for an oak tree.

Cheers.
ps: If Dr.Stephan Hawking agrees that women are a mystery, who am i to say otherwise.
ps2: This article is for humor only.