Ok ok,

I’m sure my avid readers have been absolutely devastated at my lack of posting of late.

Truth be told, between general life busy-ness, travel, and bouts of insomnia (I know, insomnia should add to the posting, not detract from it), I just haven’t had a lot of time left open for posting. Added to this has been my general weariness with world events.

It is not that I lack opinions on the cartoon cacophony that has deafened both mass media and blogs these last few days, but in many ways I simply feel like everything that can be said has been said.

And then there’s the latest Pink Panther movie. Even with the inspired choice of Steve Martin in the Clouseau role, this Panther picture is more bumbling and fumbling than the blissfully oblivious, accident-prone Inspector. But if u like cheesy comedy, u will like the film. I know i did. And then there’s the new Bond movie scheduled for filming. The lamest title for a bond film so far. Lets hope their listening and will change their folly.

There are still bombings in Iraq and Sri Lanka. you would think they would have got bored by now. But no, still going strong. Malaysia has been the latest to get hit by birdie-flu and i am hoping that they won’t be a chicken shortage. I can’t live without them.

The Aussies are still sour about the recent but done with death sentence of one of their citizen for drug trafficking. The Aussies are refusing to grant Singapore Airlines the trans pacific route to aid in its bid to become and global carrier. It seems the death of the jackass martyr has strained a few nerves.

It has become obvious that citizens of a certain country might be getting payout from the government since they have an abundance of surplus and the government would like to “share” it with its people.

I would like to question the motive of such a preposterous proposition but i shall hold my tongue in check, in fear of having my blog frozen, my family deported to Alaska, and me being assigned to a correction facility for a lifetime voluntary service. Add to this the Torino 2006 games which suck by the way, and I just feel a little overwhelmed.

Nor is the first time, either that I have felt overwhelmed or that I have had to step back from news consumption simply because I had to give my mind a break. It is difficult being in a position of so little power with so great an inclination to make a difference.

Cheers.

ps: Still waiting for my $100 NS bonus.

Technorati tags: Archtomato, Writer’s Block

On March 23, 1994 a medical officer examined the body of Ronald Opus.

He concluded that Mr Opus had died as a result of a shotgun wound to the head.

Mr Opus had jumped from the top of a ten story building intending to commit suicide. He had left a note to the effect indicating his despondency.

As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly.

Neither the shooter nor the the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.

Ordinarily a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide.

The fact that Mr Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.

In the room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly couple.

They were arguing vigorously and the husband was threatening the wife with a shotgun. The husband was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mr Opus in the head, on his way down.

When one intends to kill a subject ?A? but kills subject ?B? by mistake one is guilty of murder of subject ?B?

When confronted with the charge of murder the old man and his wife were adamant and both said that they thought the gun was unloaded.

The old man explained that it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with an unloaded shotgun during the course of their arguments. He had no intention to murder her.

Therefore the killing of Mr Opus appeared to be an unfortunate accident; that is, if the gun had been accidentely loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple?s son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the argument and fatal shooting.

It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son?s financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his Father would shoot his Mother.

Since the loader of the gun, was aware of this, he was guilty of murder even though he didn’t actually pull the trigger.

The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

Now comes the exquisite twist.

Further investigations revealed that the son was in fact, Ronald Opus.

He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his Mother’s murder on March 23rd 1994 he went to the the top of the ten story building and jumped off, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through the ninth story window.

Ok ok,

So a friend of mine, Moses, had to go for a full medical the other day to get his PES status re-evaluated so he could be re-instated as an Army Combat Specialist. So, by chance I happen to call him and he happen to invite me tag along. So we head down to his family doctor. My friend goes in, does his full checkup and then promptly joins me to wait for the results.

After an hour or so, we were called to go in.

Tomato: So doc, is Moses healthy?

Doc: My God, he will be dead within a month !! (Frantically raising his arms and shouting wildly)

Tomato: What!?

Doc: (Coolly picking up a McDonalds promotion voucher) If he eats this everyday, he will be dead within a month !!

Tomato: Phew! Doc, u made us very nervous for a minute there.

Doc: Ok, Lets take a look at Moses’ Physical report shall we!

Doc: (As he opens and reads the report he suddenly shouts – Eyes wide open and face turning pale) O, my God!

He throws the report down.

Doc: There’s a spider in the report!

(I pick it up, kill the spider and pass the report back to him.)

Doc: Moses, You are going to expire in a month!

Moses: What? Doctor what’s wrong with me? (In tears now)

Doc: (Coolly taking a copy of Moses’ driving license and pointing to it) this is going to expire in a month

Tomato: Phew!

Doc: Now for the serious matter, unfortunately i’m afraid ur going to die!!!

Tomato and Moses: What?

Doc: U’r gonna die ….. When u watch this new Corpse Bride movie by Tim Burton (pointing to a DVD on his table)

Tomato: (Getting pissed and ready to give doc a wedgy) WILL YOU JUST TELL US IF MOSES IS HEALTHY??

Doc: Errrr … Moses, im not quite sure how to say this.

Moses: (All shocked)

Doc: Is it Po-tay-to or Po-taa-to?

Doc: OK now on to the cancer.

Tomato: WAAAW! Moses i didnt know u had cancer.

Doc: (Looking at Moses sadly) You are cancer are you not, Your NRIC says you were born in 18th June?

Tomato: Phew!

Doc: Now going on to the results, they are much worse than I thought!

Moses: What? Why?

Doc: My son got a D-Minus in his History test!

Tomato: Damn u, Doc!

Doc: Now Moses, im afraid that liver has got to come out!

Tomato: What? Moses I told u to stop drinking, now see what has happened.

Doc: (Turning to his microwave and taking out a chicken liver) it has been in microwave for 4 mins. It will get dry.

Tomato: Ahhhhhhhhhh!

Doc: NOW…

Tomato: Please, Please doc, Spare us the torture. We can’t take it anymore. Is Moses healthy?

Doc: O ya, He’s fine. He’s just too fat.

Tomato: Phew!

Doc: Ahh that will be $70 bucks for my time and the report. Another 30 bucks and i could probably make u a woman. Please pay at the counter outside.

Who the hell needs Ebola and smallpox with doctors like this.

Cheers

ps: I hate all smart ass doctors.

Technorati tags: Archtomato, Family Doctor

Ok ok,

So i get to the office today morning and see a funny looking poster on the door.

//// Start of Message:

Tomorrow is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday:

Do you have a co-worker who talks nonstop about nothing, working your last nerve with tedious and boring details that you don’t give a damn about?
Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you?
Do you have a co-worker who kisses so much booty, you can look in their mouth and see what your boss had for lunch?
Do you have a co-worker who is SOOO obnoxious, when he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it?

Well, on behalf of all govt owned companies, I am so very very glad to officially announce tomorrow as SLAP YOUR IRRITATING CO-WORKER DAY! There are the rules you must follow:

* You can only slap one person per hour – no more.

* You can slap the same person again if they irritate you again in the same day.

* You are allowed to hold someone down as other co-workers take their turns slapping the irritant.

* No weapons are allowed…other than going upside somebody’s head with a stapler or a hole-puncher.

* CURSING IS MANDATORY! After you have slapped the recipient, your”assault” must be followed with something like “cause I’m sick of your stupid-a$$ always messing up stuff!”

* If questioned by a supervisor [or police, if the supervisor is the irritant], you are allowed to LIE, LIE, LIE! Now, study the rules, break out your list of folks that you want to slap the living day lights out of and get to slapping…..and have a great day

MARK YOUR CALENDARS

//// End of Message:

So thats it folks. Now you know. So get your acts together and start planning how and where to slap that co-worker who has pissed you off for so long.

Cheers.

ps: I’m all prepared and cant wait.

ps2: The date is not confirmed but grapevine has it that it will be on 29th Feb 2006.

Technorati tags: Archtomato, Office

Ok ok,

I was banging around in the office as usual the other day.
The boss came in and caught me playing World of Warcraft with my buddies. Naturally, he got all flustered. His head started swelling and his yellow pigmentation started turning red.

I knew instances like this would arrive sooner or later. So, i recalled Scott Adam’s “Way of the Weasel” which i had read for such instances. The book has punch lines and Anti-Boss precautionary steps you can arm yourself with.

And so the boss started on the offensive.

He threatened to sack me.

I threatened to tell his wife about his affair with the intern.

He said he could change his home number anytime.

I said i could sell his news to The New paper anytime.

He said he will sue me.

I said, i will get his wife to sue him.

He said, he always thought i was hardworking.

I said he was looking at the wrong guy.

He promised me a raise.

I said i don’t need a raise.

He said raise + bonus.

I wished him the best with the intern.

He left the office sulking.

I sent him an email of the our conversation earlier that i had recorded using my N6230 without him knowing.

He replied back saying i can take the day off.

I countered that i’m taking the week off.

He replied, “Take your time, Come back when you are ready ”. He had added a smiley to the end of the sentence. Boss 0 – Tomato 10. I won that day.

So that’s it folks, that’s how u have a healthy relationship with your boss. You find his/her weakness and you exploit it shamelessly. Remember, it takes a wise man to be able to trick others, but it takes a wiser man to actually get to walk away with it.

On a more lighter note, i found this rather amusing clip online.

Its slapstick, i agree.

But its funny, i mean real funny.

Check it out: http://youtube.com/w/Terminator?v=RYp1npk9glU&search=terminator

Cheers

ps: I love my boss. I work hard for him.

Technorati tags: Archtomato, Boss Bites